Back Door
This blog is really for pastors.
I think one of the toughest things about pastoring is people leaving the church. There is no emotional immunity. They can affirm you, leave for all the right reasons, and exit in a godly fashion. But it still hurts. It knocks the wind out of you. It's tough not to feel betrayed. It can result in very healthy reflection. But it can also sow some seeds of doubt. It's so tough not to personalize and feel rejected on some level.
Pastoring isn't easy!
Managing Emotions
I have a saying--life is too short to be part of a church you're not excited about. And I believe it cerebrally. But it is tough emotionally when people aren't excited enough about the church to stay. No matter how much you try not to let it affect you it does. I believe there are "different churches for different people" but I still want us to be a church for everybody.
I've learned a couple things about the way I'm wired emotionally. Sometimes I just have to go to bed and get up the next day and start over. I think God gave us night and day, in part, to help us emotionally recalibrate. I start over emotionally.
The other thing I'm learning is that as long as people leaving the church, or tough conversations, or emotionally draining experiences don't harden my heart, they can build emotional strength the same way we build physical strength--resistance. I'm not a confrontational person by personality, but I'm finding it easier and easier to have confrontational conversations because I'm building strength with each one I have.
I try to avoid a victim's mentality or blame game. I think people leaving is most often the result of reaping what we've sown.
So much of ministry is managing emotions--making sure you've got enough emotional reserves to really invest in people.
Exit
How a person exits a situation speaks volumes about their character--it reveals who they really are. We've had people leave that I have more respect for than when they attended the church just because of the way they exited.
I think you've got to have a "kingdom mindset." Different churches play different roles, but we're all on the same team. In that vein, we aren't losing someone. They are being "reassigned."
Fundamental Conviction
If you have people's best interest at heart you can't go wrong. You don't want to hang on to people who want to leave. They will become dead weight--even if they are "hanging on" for loyalty reasons. Sometimes that is admirable, but it is usually a "matter of time" before they eject.
I think pastors need to have an open-door policy. The Lord brought them through our front door and He can take them out the back door. As long as someone isn't just trying to escape for the wrong reasons, then we've got to bless them coming in and going out.
I think lots of people leave for the wrong reasons. But I've got to believe that lots of people leave for the right reasons. I think churches can serve people during different chapters of their lives. I think some people make church decisions based on selfish motives which isn't healthy. But I also think people can leave for the right reasons.
I think the toughest part about pastoring is the toughest part of parenting. You invest your life in people, but eventually they leave--under good or bad terms, sooner or later, for good reasons or bad ones. I guess we need to just continue investing in people--focusing on doing the right thing for the right reasons.
One last thought. I find that when I'm going through a tough time it helps to zoom out and remind myself that I'm in this for the long haul. We've hit some speed bumps along the way, but as long as we learn from them we'll be better because of them!
I do think humility is a form of spiritual immunity. When we walk in humility we are immune to so many negative emotions that would effect us otherwise!
Oh yah, like any living organism, church's need excretory systems too :)
I think one of the toughest things about pastoring is people leaving the church. There is no emotional immunity. They can affirm you, leave for all the right reasons, and exit in a godly fashion. But it still hurts. It knocks the wind out of you. It's tough not to feel betrayed. It can result in very healthy reflection. But it can also sow some seeds of doubt. It's so tough not to personalize and feel rejected on some level.
Pastoring isn't easy!
Managing Emotions
I have a saying--life is too short to be part of a church you're not excited about. And I believe it cerebrally. But it is tough emotionally when people aren't excited enough about the church to stay. No matter how much you try not to let it affect you it does. I believe there are "different churches for different people" but I still want us to be a church for everybody.
I've learned a couple things about the way I'm wired emotionally. Sometimes I just have to go to bed and get up the next day and start over. I think God gave us night and day, in part, to help us emotionally recalibrate. I start over emotionally.
The other thing I'm learning is that as long as people leaving the church, or tough conversations, or emotionally draining experiences don't harden my heart, they can build emotional strength the same way we build physical strength--resistance. I'm not a confrontational person by personality, but I'm finding it easier and easier to have confrontational conversations because I'm building strength with each one I have.
I try to avoid a victim's mentality or blame game. I think people leaving is most often the result of reaping what we've sown.
So much of ministry is managing emotions--making sure you've got enough emotional reserves to really invest in people.
Exit
How a person exits a situation speaks volumes about their character--it reveals who they really are. We've had people leave that I have more respect for than when they attended the church just because of the way they exited.
I think you've got to have a "kingdom mindset." Different churches play different roles, but we're all on the same team. In that vein, we aren't losing someone. They are being "reassigned."
Fundamental Conviction
If you have people's best interest at heart you can't go wrong. You don't want to hang on to people who want to leave. They will become dead weight--even if they are "hanging on" for loyalty reasons. Sometimes that is admirable, but it is usually a "matter of time" before they eject.
I think pastors need to have an open-door policy. The Lord brought them through our front door and He can take them out the back door. As long as someone isn't just trying to escape for the wrong reasons, then we've got to bless them coming in and going out.
I think lots of people leave for the wrong reasons. But I've got to believe that lots of people leave for the right reasons. I think churches can serve people during different chapters of their lives. I think some people make church decisions based on selfish motives which isn't healthy. But I also think people can leave for the right reasons.
I think the toughest part about pastoring is the toughest part of parenting. You invest your life in people, but eventually they leave--under good or bad terms, sooner or later, for good reasons or bad ones. I guess we need to just continue investing in people--focusing on doing the right thing for the right reasons.
One last thought. I find that when I'm going through a tough time it helps to zoom out and remind myself that I'm in this for the long haul. We've hit some speed bumps along the way, but as long as we learn from them we'll be better because of them!
I do think humility is a form of spiritual immunity. When we walk in humility we are immune to so many negative emotions that would effect us otherwise!
Oh yah, like any living organism, church's need excretory systems too :)
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