What is the hardest word in the English language to say? It's not antidisestablishmentarianism. It's a much shorter word. It's the two-letter word "no."
I've shared this before, but by nature I'm a "yes" person. It's hard for me to say "no" to anyone or anything. I'm a recovering people pleaser. But I was greatly impacted by something Andy Stanley wrote in his book Choosing to Cheat. He said, "Saying yes to one thing is saying no to something else." So true. Yet it's so hard to say "no."
One of the things I really wrestle with at this point is saying "no" to meetings and invitations to speak. I'll always struggle with it. I want to meet with anyone and everyone. And anytime anyone extends an invitation to speak I'm humbled and honored. But Lora and I have a standing joke: every opportunity is an "amazing" opportunity. I genuinely believe that. But let me share a personal revelation that is helping me manage my boundaries.
Last year I operated on this principle: when in doubt, say yes. And that led to over-commitment and no margins. The end result? Spiritual and intellectual burn-out. I didn't feel like I could give each opportunity what it deserved. My new modus operandi? When in doubt, say no. Obviously this doesn't apply to every situation or decision, but it is helping me manage speaking engagements a little better. When I feel some internal tension because I'm over-committing, I need the courage to say "no."
Just processing out loud.
I've shared this before, but by nature I'm a "yes" person. It's hard for me to say "no" to anyone or anything. I'm a recovering people pleaser. But I was greatly impacted by something Andy Stanley wrote in his book Choosing to Cheat. He said, "Saying yes to one thing is saying no to something else." So true. Yet it's so hard to say "no."
One of the things I really wrestle with at this point is saying "no" to meetings and invitations to speak. I'll always struggle with it. I want to meet with anyone and everyone. And anytime anyone extends an invitation to speak I'm humbled and honored. But Lora and I have a standing joke: every opportunity is an "amazing" opportunity. I genuinely believe that. But let me share a personal revelation that is helping me manage my boundaries.
Last year I operated on this principle: when in doubt, say yes. And that led to over-commitment and no margins. The end result? Spiritual and intellectual burn-out. I didn't feel like I could give each opportunity what it deserved. My new modus operandi? When in doubt, say no. Obviously this doesn't apply to every situation or decision, but it is helping me manage speaking engagements a little better. When I feel some internal tension because I'm over-committing, I need the courage to say "no."
Just processing out loud.
16 Comments:
Great encouragement, Mark. Saying "no" seems especially difficult for those in ministry, but I'm convinced over-extending ourselves beyond what is healthy and even outside of God's grace is a brilliant strategy the enemy uses. It dilutes or efforts and effectiveness, burns us out and harms our relationships. Often I commit to more than I should out of pride or to gain the approval of others. Both very dangerous motives. Why are we so afraid of rest?
Mark, I really appreciate your transparency and honesty. I have the same struggle. May we all learn to say no a little more.
A professor once told me "say no with a smile."
Excellent that a leader is learning to say no. As leaders of volunteers, I think we do a great service to our volunteers who also struggle with saying no by helping them learn to say it. This may mean we have to say it for them sometimes in order for them to see the reward/benefit/need to do so on their own. Just like we need to avoid burnout so do our volunteers, and we can help them learn how.
Good word. I wish others in ministry I work with could say no. I watch as they burn out and stress out.
Mark, I totally understand where you're coming from. Something I've thought of recently is "Just because I see a need doesn't mean I should be the person to fulfill that need." It was a very freeing thought for me.
Also reccomend a book I'm reading on this topic: "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw_0_10?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=boundaries+henry+cloud&sprefix=Boundaries
I can relate with you Pastor Mark about being a "Yes" person and I too am recovering people-pleaser. Lately, as hard as it is to say "no", it's been freeing to say "no" when it needed that response. There can be danger of overcommitment and I for once want to commit to what Christ want in my life not what I want in my life by overcommiting, if that makes sense. :)
Mark, something the Holy Spirit said to me years ago has really helped me with my own "just say no" campaign. He said - they're all green lights till you hit a red light. A red light (no) brings a distinct pressure to the heart that's never there with a yes(green light).
A lesson we all need to learn Mark. As pastors we are so driven to satisfy those the good Lord has entrusted to our care; but as you stated, we must establish and uphold boundaries. As I teach my congregation, everybody loves you when you say 'yes', but 'NO' is a power word - it locates a person's heart in a nano-second. Great reminder!
Mark, Last fall I heard you speak at the group life conference. You referenced an Oswald Chambers quote that said something like "Let God be original with others as he was with you"
Do you happen to remember where you read that OC quote? If so, thanks! If not, no biggie.
One other thing you said during that talk was that "God will not grow our churches beyond our ability to disciple others"...I'm ref. this quote in my sermon tomorrow. Thanks!
Mark, God bless you.
I need to learn say no for sin, this world is the "yes world", and we believe in Jesus and it lived among us and say no for life stile full off sin.
Terry,
You nailed the Chambers quote. I believe I read it in his autobiography or biography...
And that other quote is excellent. Who said that again? Hey, everybody has to say something profound every once in while right?
blessings,
Mark
Mark,
Thanks! - I used your quote today as I was speaking about the Great Commission.
Peace!
Terry
Oh yeah, a group at our church just started the Wild Goose Chase study today and Ken was really encouraged when you texted him...thanks!
Your no's make your yes's stronger. :)
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